Ethical Non-Monogamy: An Introductory Guide
Are you curious about ethical non-monogamy?
As we’ve said before, monogamy is a valid relationship structure, but it’s only one valid relationship structure: there are a lot of others! But with all of these other ways to approach relationships usually comes a lot of questions. We don’t have a lot of practice, as a culture, with talking about how expansive our relationships can be, so it takes a great deal of unlearning before we can really get to understanding.
We’ve gathered resources from our blog to help you start to seek understanding, no matter what part of the unlearning journey you’re on–whether you’re just starting to learn about ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or learning to navigate conflicts within your ENM relationships.
If you’re looking to get more intentional about your relationship structure:
Monogamy itself isn’t inherently harmful — but the view of it as compulsory that society has established it as is. Much of what is critiqued or labeled as toxic within monogamy comes from societal expectations for romantic relationships. By inviting nuance into the dialogue we can separate out the differences between compulsory and intentional monogamy.
So what are these myths? Read about them in: 10 Myths About Monogamy To Leave Behind
Not only are the majority of romantic examples given through pop culture heteronormative, but they almost always follow the script of compulsory monogamy. There is nothing inherently superior nor adverse about monogamy; it can be a valid and nourishing relationship structure when done intentionally (as is any relationship).
Let’s break down the difference between the two: The Difference Between Intentional and Compulsory Monogamy
Polyamory can seem like a daunting, radical relationship model for those of us who have only ever learned about or engaged in monogamous relationships. But there is a lot we can learn from consensual non-monogamy that we can apply to any relationship model to help strengthen & enrich it.
Even if you know polyamory isn’t for you, here are 4 lessons you can take from a non-monogamous relationship model & use in your own relationship: What We Can Learn from Non-Monogamy
Just like with monogamy, polyamory isn’t for everyone, but it is often misunderstood or misrepresented in media. There are many different ways to structure poly relationships, and there is no one “right” way to be polyamorous. So, even though we might not all practice polyamory, there is still a lot we can learn about love, desire, and relationships from polyamorous people.
Read some of these lessons in: What Can Polyamory Teach Us About Relationships?
When you’re thinking about exploring relationship structures beyond monogamy:
Although the terms Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), polyamory, open relationships, etc., have become part of the mainstream dating and relationship lexicon, this is still a big decision if all you (and your partner) have ever known is monogamy.
The place I always start with couples who are monogamous is to ask them to describe to each other what monogamy looks like for each of you?
Get the full therapist response here: Ask a Queer Therapist: Ready to Be Open?
The idea of non-monogamy might seem scary and confusing at first, because it’s contrary to everything we’re taught (both explicitly and socially) about love and relationships. But it could also be an exciting opportunity for you to get curious and explore more about yourself
With all of these conflicting feelings, questions are likely to begin to bubble up. Like how much of your life could change from this? Could you handle being with multiple people and your partner(s) doing the same? Could you still obtain the security and safety that you seek in monogamy? What do you do when the core foundation of how you see relationships and love begins to shake?
Read our recommended guiding questions to assess your desires, fears, and interest in non-monogamy here: Is it Time to Explore Non-Monogamy?
Sometimes, finding what works best for you and your partner may take some trial and error, which is why healthy, open communication is so important. It's perfectly normal to take some time to learn what works best for you and remember, you can always change your mind or adjust your relationships and boundaries as your life and needs change! Many relationships adjust their format as their needs change in life–just as it’s not realistic to assume one relationship format could work for all people, it’s also not realistic to assume that a single relationship format will be right for you forever.
Though it’s not exhaustive, we’ve put together the following list on some of the most common open relationship formats, and what they mean: What Relationship Format Is Right For Me?
When you’re ready to engage in ENM:
Setting agreements in a realistic and effective manner is the foundation to successful and fulfilling non-monogamous relationships.
Before beginning to consider relationship agreements, it is important to identify your intentions, desires, and preferences for this kind of relationship style. Some beginning questions to consider with yourself and with your partner(s) are down below. Considering these questions on your own and with a partner(s) is important in order to ensure that you agree on foundational intentions and also to set a baseline to begin identifying agreements that would be necessary to make.
Read through our guide to making a consensual ENM agreement here: Ethical Non-Monogamy: Making a Consensual Agreement
Non-monogamous relationships may present more opportunities for jealousy to arise as you explore multiple relationships at the same time. Even those who have been practicing ethical non-monogamy for years find jealousy can sneak up while a partner is on a date with someone else. It is a vulnerable experience to love multiple people at the same time — especially when living in a society that prioritizes compulsory monogamy.
When it comes to facing jealousy, it’s helpful to explore what is beneath the surface so you can communicate your feelings and needs with lovers: Managing Jealousy While Your Partner Is On A Date
It can take a lot of work to get past feelings of shame or guilt when you grow up thinking monogamous relationships are your only options for love. So when partners within a non-monogamous relationship have conflicting desires, it can feel heavy and hard to manage. But, with intentional effort, these desires can be navigated.
Here are our tips on how to navigate non-monogamy when desires and interests are different: Navigating Non-Monogamy When Conflicting Desires Arise
These articles are a good place to start if you’re just beginning to think about ethical non-monogamy–but while they answer many common questions that come up when learning about or practicing ENM for the first time, they can’t cover everything you may experience or need support with. Our therapists work with ENM individuals and relationships to help provide clarity, authentic communication, and support as issues come up. Get in touch today!
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