Check out G&STC Director Jesse Kahn and Therapist Cindy Ramos talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Women’s Health about What a Lavender Marriage Is
Check out G&STC Director Jesse Kahn and Therapist Cindy Ramos talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Women’s Health about what a lavender marriage is.
The specific benefits of heterosexuality—and risks of open homosexuality—have shifted throughout history, evolving alongside changes in law, culture, and social attitudes. Throughout the 1900s, lavender marriages offered a way to navigate a world where being openly queer could mean losing your job, your home, or even your personal safety, according to mental health therapist and professional Cindy Ramos, MHC-LP.
Lavender Marriage, Defined
Lavender marriage refers to the legal union between a man and a woman entered into as a way to navigate a homophobic society that privileges heterosexual partnerships in legal, social, and material ways, explains Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, a queer sex therapist. These arrangements are rooted in a desire for safety, whether that’s protecting one's career, financial portfolio, social standing, or even mental well-being, they say.
The History of Lavender Marriage
They were also at play among politicians, where public image and conformity to heteronormative ideals were closely tied to professional and financial survival, adds Kahn.
At the time, lavender was a coded reference to queerness as the purple shade had come to signal sexual and gender nonconformity.
To be very clear: These marriages only existed because of systemic oppression and widespread homophobia. At a time when being LGBTQ+ could put an individual in harm’s way, “they offered a layer of safety from discrimination, harassment, or legal consequences tied to openly queer identities,” says Kahn. If LGBTQ+ individuals were not oppressed, lavender marriages never would have arisen as a coping strategy.
More from G&STC Director Jesse Kahn on this topic:
A lavender marriage is when a man and a woman marry in order to navigate societal pressures that require concealing their queer identities. Historically, lavender marriages highlight the ways LGBTQ+ people were forced to hide their authentic selves in order to survive or thrive. They were especially common in Hollywood, politics, and other environments where visibility and conformity were prioritized over personal freedom. Some religions that supported lavender marriages would refer to them as “mixed orientation marriages.”
So, a lavender marriage is a primarily strategic arrangement, rather than a relationship based on mutual romantic or sexual connection. A partnership between bisexual, polysexual, or queer individuals is centered on authentic attraction, consent, and shared life choices, without the need to conceal identity for social survival. Essentially, the difference comes down to performing for societies due to homophobia versus living true to oneself.
People entered lavender marriages due to systemic pressures like legal discrimination, social stigma, and professional gatekeeping that punished queer visibility. Gendered expectations around marriage, family, and “respectability” has forced LGBTQ+ individuals to conform to heteronormative roles. These marriages were often survival strategies in a world that demanded queer people hide or limit our true identities.
Lavender marriages provided social and financial protection by allowing queer individuals to maintain careers, social standing, or access to resources in environments hostile to LGBTQ+ people. They offered a layer of safety from discrimination, harassment, or legal consequences tied to openly queer identities. While these arrangements weren’t about romantic fulfillment, they could create stability and shield partners from societal pressures.
Lavender marriages could take a significant emotional and psychological toll, forcing partners to suppress their authentic identities and desires, which could strain intimacy, self-esteem, and mental health. A large part of this toll could be eased if the marriage was acknowledged by both partners as a lavender marriage, where both consented to the arrangement, where there was someone in their life with whom they could be fully authentic, and if they also had access to supportive queer social circles. Without these forms of recognition and connection, the dissonance between outward appearances and inner truth could intensify anxiety, depression, and difficulties forming connections.
Lavender marriages still exist today, though less commonly. Factors such as career expectations, religious or cultural norms, immigration status, or fear of discrimination can still lead someone to enter this kind of arrangement. Even in a more accepting world, they may serve as a protective strategy in environments that remain hostile to openly queer lives, especially as social attitudes toward LGBTQ+ people appear to be shifting in a negative direction.
While the future can feel uncertain, the hard-won rights and visibility of LGBTQ+ communities are built on decades of resilience, activism, and care. Your identity and relationships are valid, valuable, and worthy of love—regardless of shifting laws or social climates. Lean on chosen family, queer communities, and spaces where you can fully be yourself. And if laws are overturned now, it doesn’t mean laws can’t and won’t be reinstated later.
More from Therapist Cindy Ramos on this topic:
A lavender marriage is typically a strategic arrangement historically between a man and a woman where one or both individuals identify as gay or queer, and the purpose of the relationship is to conceal their true sexual orientation. These marriages were especially common during times and in places where being openly LGBTQIA+ could lead to severe social, legal, or professional consequences.
In contrast, partnerships involving bisexual, polysexual, or queer individuals are typically based on genuine emotional or romantic connection. These relationships are not about hiding identity but embracing it. While these individuals may navigate complex dynamics depending on their specific context, the foundation of their relationships is usually rooted in authenticity, mutual respect, and personal agency not concealment.
In my work as a therapist, I often see individuals in these relationships navigating complex conversations around visibility, erasure, and how to honor their identity while also honoring their partner and relationship structure. It’s nuanced, but it’s not inherently about concealment in the way lavender marriages are.
Lavender marriages do still exist, though less commonly in places where LGBTQIA+ rights have progressed. That said, in certain cultural, religious, or geopolitical contexts, being openly queer is still unsafe or carries significant consequences. In those situations, individuals may still choose or feel pressured into lavender marriages as a form of protection or to meet familial or societal expectations. It's important to recognize that these decisions are often made from a place of survival, not deception.
I want to acknowledge something I’ve heard from some couples I’ve worked with or spoken to over the years, not all lavender marriages are purely about convenience or crisis. Some of these relationships have genuine care, respect, and even a sense of chosen family. While they may not be romantic or sexually aligned, they sometimes provide stability, companionship, or a shared goal especially in situations where both partners are navigating similar pressures. It's a reminder that human relationships are complex, and the motivations behind them can’t always be reduced to a single explanation.
As therapists, we often see the emotional weight that can come with these arrangements, such as feelings of isolation, grief around authenticity, or anxiety about the future. But we also see strength, and the many ways people build meaningful connections, even in constrained circumstances.
Fear over the future of queer rights is deeply understandable, especially given the uncertainty and political shifts we’ve seen. I want to affirm that your identity and your relationships are valid, real, and deserving of full recognition and protection regardless of what any law or policy might try to claim. The LGBTQIA+ community has always been resilient, and courageous in the face of adversity. You are part of a long legacy of people who have loved boldly, advocated fiercely, and created space for others to thrive.
While it’s okay to feel anxious, please know you’re not alone. There are people, communities, therapists, and advocates who are standing with you, working every day to ensure your rights and dignity are preserved. Your love matters. Your future matters. And no matter what lies ahead, you have a place in this world exactly as you are.