What are Queerplatonic Partnerships?

What are Queerplatonic Partnerships?

Queerplatonic partnerships (QPPs) are non-romantic intimate partnerships between two or more people. More than just BFFs, these partnerships involve deep emotional commitment to each other. There are infinite ways QPPs can be structured; some share finances, co-parent, and/or legally bind together. Can people still be in a queerplatonic partnership if they identify as straight? Absolutely! These relationships can be between people of any sexuality or gender. 

History of QPPs

Also referred to as queerplatonic relationship, queerplatonic partnership is a newer term for a practice that has been present throughout history in various cultures. The term originated online in the 2010s among people in the asexual community, who noticed a lack of terminology for intense relationships outside of romance. They used the term to describe their significant relationships that were deeper than friendship but non-romantic or non-sexual, considering their asexual/aromantic identity. 

Some consider QPPS to be a modernization of the historical term romantic friendship used in the late 19th century to describe loving friendships that were physically affectionate, such as hand holding, sharing beds, and cuddling, but were believed to not involve sex. 

Boston marriage is also a term used in the late 1800s, primarily in New England, to describe a formalized life partnership between two wealthy women. Women in a Boston marriage lived together, sometimes out of love for each other and sometimes of financial necessity. Some of these relationships were certainly romantic partnerships that would be labeled as lesbian couples now. However, some were known to be non-romantic as well, these women just wanted to spend their life around other women, not men. Around the 1920s, Boston marriages dwindled because of the increasing homophobic views of two women living together.

What do these relationships look like now?

It depends! Again, there are so many possibilities, there is not a singular way these relationships look. Queerplatonic partnerships are nontraditional relationships that actively challenge the heteronormative relationship structure present in society. Modern western society prioritizes romantic love over all other types of love, QPPs disrupt that standard. Who says the most significant love of your life has to be romantic? Queering relationships means thinking critically about where your ideas of what relationships “should” look like according to societal standards, and creating a structure that works for you. 

Some QPPs sleep in the same bed, some don’t sleep in the same house. QPPS may decide to have children together and/or blend their families. Some get legally married, others do not. The options are endless.

Just because the relationships are platonic doesn’t mean that partners don’t show physical affection though hand holding, kissing, and sometimes even sex. If those involved have identified their relationships as non-romantic or platonic then that’s what it is, only the people involved can identify romance. QPPs still involve intimacy, intimacy is not only sex. Nonsexual intimacy can look like many things such as sharing secrets, getting involved in each other’s families, discussing futures, or sharing hobbies. 

Some people with QPPs have no romantic partners, and some have multiple. Because of the opportunity for multiple partners and nontraditional structure, queerplatonic partnerships have a presence in the polyamorous and non-monogamy communities. 

Like any other relationship involving commitment, healthy queerplatonic partnerships involve actively working on the relationship with open communication and boundary setting. 

Words used for queerplatonic partners

• zucchinis

• mallow friend

• partner / platonic partner

• Best friend, close friend, or roommate (But didn’t you just say it’s more than a best friend? People may still identify as best friends, especially in situations where they don’t want others to assume a romantic relationship when they say partner. Sometimes people don’t want to explain the nuances of their relationship. As always, respect how people identify themselves.)  

These are just a few examples, every partnership is unique. People in relationships that seem like queerplatonic partners might not even identify with the label. And that’s okay too!  

Is this relationship style for me?

Are you interested in having a partner to experience life with (like co-parenting a baby or pet), without being involved with them romantically?

Do you want to explore queering your relationship frameworks away from white western heteronormative and mononormative frameworks?

Are you an asexual or aromantic person with a desire to have an intimate companionship while respecting your ace identity?

Have you and your best friend talked about wanting to be involved in each other’s lives in deeper ways? 

Did your partner just come out as asexual and you want to transition to a nonsexual partnership?

Are you already involved in a partnership like this but hadn’t heard of the term queerplatonic partner before? 

Queerplatonic relationships are not for everyone but are definitely a type of relationship that should be talked about more and normalized. People should know that there are more options for love and partnership out there. 

Tips for beginning a queerplatonic partnership 

• Discuss level of exclusivity. Will you have other partners (romantic or not)?

• Build your communication together from the beginning. 

• Ask about desired commitment levels.

• Talk about the future and how you see your relationship growing.

• Ask how to best support each other.

• Nurture your intimacy! (go on dates, write each other notes, compliment each other, go to therapy!)

Therapy for queerplatonic partners 

Therapy is not only for romantic relationships! People in queerplatonic partnerships can benefit from relationship therapy too! It can be a safe space to build communication skills, explore conflicts, and strengthen the relationship. When choosing a therapist for your queerplatonic partnership look for therapy practices that identifies as serving diverse relationship orientations, such as queer and non-monogamous populations. Request a consultation with the potential therapist and ask about their experience working with nontraditional relationships. Since it is a relatively new term, some therapists might not know what queerplatonic partnerships are, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be a good fit. You can give them a brief description of your relationship and ask for their relevant experience. Your therapist should feel affirming and offer a safe space free from judgment. 

BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN BY THERAPIST IN TRAINING EMILY LUNN. FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.