Tips for Vanilla Couples Wanting to Be Kinkier
Now that kink becoming a more common topic in the mainstream, more and more folks who considered themselves to be “vanilla” (someone into non-kinky sex) are feeling curious and more comfortable openly expressing interest in exploring beyond vanilla sex. , If you feel this, it is helpful to take time to explore your desires. Are you vanilla, or have you simply not gotten around to exploring your kinky side yet? There can be any number of reasons why you may not have gotten to explore that side of you, from sexual trauma, to lack of information, or even just common shifts in desire that are making you curious now about things you haven’t been before.
It's worth stating that vanilla sex is great too!. And it’s okay if, no matter how curious you are, kinky sex just isn’t for you. There are still things you can learn from kink without engaging in kink itself! With BDSM making its way into pop culture, you may feel like you are missing something, but it’s okay if you try it, or even just consider trying it, and decide that non-kinky sex is what brings you pleasure, and decide to leave the spanking, whips and chains behind. But if you find yourself repeatedly fantasizing about roleplaying, , BDSM, or other sexual activities that fall outside of the vanilla, it may be time to step gently into the world of kink! Here are 8 tips for vanilla couples who want to be kinkier:
Talk to your partner(s):
First off, if you are in a relationship and everyone within the relationship wants to explore kink, pat yourself on the back. You are lucky to be with someone else who is curious, open-minded, and willing to communicate. That last piece, communication, will be the key to your kink adventure.
Kink doesn’t refer to just one thing, but is an umbrella term that encompasses anything out of the heteronormative standard. Because this covers such a wide range of activities, even if you and your partner(s) are curious about the world of kink, you may have vastly different experiences you’re curious about! . A great way to get on the same page is to make a green, yellow, and red list.–sometimes called a yes, no, maybe list. Individually, write down what you absolutely want to try in the green list. Consider the yellow list your "soft boundaries," or activities that may interest you, although you're unsure of if you want to actually do or not–and remember, you can always change your mind! Finally, in the red list, write down your hard boundaries or things that are absolutely off the table for you. Then, share your list with your partner, and have them share with you. Discuss and note where you overlap, and decide what you want to try first and what is off the table.
Create a safeword
As part of your boundaries discussion, you and your partner should be picking a safeword. It should be something non-sexual, that wouldn’t normally come up in the scene and would help to pull you from the moment. It could be the name of a celebrity, or a food you enjoy, a street name you lived on, etc. All relationships can benefit from the use of safe words, but for those involved in kink, and especially scenes that involve dominance and submission and consensual non consent, safe words help keep everyone protected and feeling good.
However, it’s important to note that while safe words are important, hearing them shouldn’t be the only time you’re checking in with your partner. Be sure to make sure you and your partner are enjoying yourselves throughout the scene with small check ins throughout the way. That way, if things start to become too much for anyone involved, you can slow down before a safe word is needed to end things immediately. Using a stoplight system can be a good tool for this, as it doesn’t jump right from “yes this is good for me” to “stop right now” and gives you a specific word to use when you want your partner to take it a bit easier. In the system, you go by the colors of a traffic light where green means you’re enjoying yourself and good to carry on, yellow means you want to keep going but may need to slow down or wrap up early, and red means stop immediately.
Remember to go slow
Let's say that both you and your partner are aroused by bondage. Before you spend your hard-earned money on high-quality leather handcuffs, consider reading bondage erotica together, or watching your favorite porns. You can also integrate bondage dirty talk into your regular sex routine to become used to the idea. Remember you don’t have to fully dive into a new kink in order to explore it! Think about what it is that arouses you and your partner about bondage, and explore if there are other ways to incorporate those elements into your play.
Meet your kinky community
Trying kink for the first time might feel like traveling to a new country. The last thing you want is to become insecure or experience sexual shame over perfectly normal desires. As a result, it can be extremely helpful to get to know other kinksters in your area. Having kinky friends helps remind you that your sexual interests are normal. Any big city will have kink meet-ups, and you can always utilize online communities such as FetLife to find them, or connect with kinksters online, especially if you live in a smaller town. But, aside from making friends (and potential play partners), it’s also important to make connections within the community for matters of safety and education. When you’re new to the scene, it’s important not to just jump right in, but learn safe techniques for what you want to try. Things like choking and bondage can be exciting and fun, but they also need to be done carefully and safely. Meeting people more experienced, or working with a kink instructor in the community can help you learn safety do’s and don’ts for your kinky play. Once again, any major city will have these available, and even if you live in a small conservative town, kink instructors are available to everyone thanks to the internet.
Consider working with a therapist
Kink is fun, but it can also be intense. Activities such as roleplaying are a beautiful way to work through insecurities and even trauma, in addition to just being great fun. However, this flood of emotions can be overwhelming at any point in your kink journey. And if you are new to kink, having a kink-competent therapist on your side can help normalize any experience or desires and help walk you through your journey with professional support.
Normalize, normalize, normalize
Many of us were taught growing up that sex should be between a man and a woman for the purpose of creating babies, or some version of this Judeo-Christian narrative. In 2022, anyone up to date with the latest research on sex and gender understands that this is untrue. However, old wounds can be tough to heal. Throughout your kink journey, continue to remind yourself and your partner, ideally with the support of a therapist and community, that anything between consenting adults is A-okay.
Don't forget about aftercare.
Part of your pre-sex and kink prep conversations should be what you’re planning to do for aftercare. Aftercare is the ritual of taking care of one another after sex. While mainly associated with kink, aftercare isn’t exclusive to kinky encounters. It’s simply a check in post-sex to make sure you and your partner(s) are feeling good. It gives you a chance to connect emotionally–something that can be needed after roleplay, especially if it involves things like embarrassment or degrading dirty talk. Aftercare helps calm you down after an intense scene, while still feeling safely intimate with your partner through talking about what you liked and what you didn’t, getting water for one another, or cuddling. .
What makes up aftercare can vary depending on the situation and personal needs. For instance, if you engage in impact play, or anything that could cause bruising, aftercare can involve bringing ice. But quite often, aftercare is mostly cuddling, and holding one another, to remember that no matter how delightfully nasty things just got, they were all done with love.
Continue to check in and prepare for change
As you continue on your kink journey, you may discover new things that turn you on and you want to try. Conversely, you may have a fantasy, such as group sex, that you think works better as a fantasy than a real-life plan of action. Your partner will also be learning, discovering, and changing, so make sure to communicate throughout your kink journey and not just at the beginning. And, once again, having a sex-positive therapist on your side is an amazing way to make communication go smoother.
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