Exploring What Sex Means Within Your Relationship

May 28

Sex isn’t just one thing.

It’s complicated and messy and means different things to different people–which means you get to decide what sex means to you, for yourself and within your relationship.

But there are a lot of cultural messages that get in the way of us understanding what sex means for us personally. We get strict messages about what sex is and isn’t from media, from porn, and often from sex education that frequently fails to give us an honest and comprehensive look at sex.

Did you know:

Only 30 states (and the District of Columbia) require public schools to teach sex education
Only 28 of those mandate both sex education and HIV education.
Only 22 states require that if provided, sex and/or HIV education must be medically, factually or technically accurate.
State definitions of “medically accurate" vary, from requiring that the department of health review curriculum for accuracy, to mandating that curriculum be based on information from “published authorities upon which medical professionals rely.”

And all of this is based on a definition of sex rooted in cisheteropachriarchy, which means any discussion of sex outside of penis-in-vagina sex is often left out. Topics such as pleasure, connection, consent, sex drives, safe sexual exploration and more aren’t even touched upon.

Due to all of these factors, it’s no wonder many of us don’t know how to define sex for ourselves–or even that we’re allowed to do such a thing.

But taking time to reflect both on what sex means for you on your own, and what sex means within your relationship can be beneficial for a number of reasons. Some include:

Managing differing libidos: Perfectly matched libidos are rare. But expanding what your definition of sex actually is can help provide more opportunities for connecting intimately with your partner, which can help partners navigating different sex drives.
Increasing overall sexual satisfaction: Taking time to define what sex means to you gives you and your partner the opportunity to lead a more satisfying sex life. Instead of “going through the motions” or assuming what your sex life should include, you can create a sex life that matches your desires.
Building intimacy within a relationship: When you define what sex means to you and hear what sex means to your partner, you get to learn more about each other and foster closeness and connection, and hopefully new ways to show your partner you want to be close to them.
Navigating different experiences with sexual attraction: Perhaps one partner is allosexual and one is asexual. Exploring what pleasure and intimacy means for both partners can help partners get creative about how to foster intimacy without crossing any boundaries or neglecting a desire for closeness.

Questions to help explore what sex means for you:

To get started, take a look at these 9 reflection questions below. The first section is for you to reflect on your relationship to sex, sensuality and pleasure on your own, and the second section is to help you and your partner reflect on what sex means within your relationship.

Questions to reflect on individually:

What touch feels good on my body?

This can be anything from your partner's hands to the warm mug from your morning coffee. What sensations feel pleasurable? Don’t limit yourself to just sexual pleasure, think of sensual pleasure too. Do you like the feeling of a blanket against your bare skin? Or laying in bed naked with a breeze coming through the window? Reflect on what sensations make you feel good, comfortable, excited, etc. When you know what brings you pleasure, you can actively seek it out more, and sharing these things with your partner can help them bring you pleasure in ways other than sex.

What environment makes me feel comfortable, confident, embodied?

What circumstances allow your confidence and comfort to flourish? Do you feel more embodied when you’ve had time to tend to yourself in certain ways? When you wear clothes with certain fits or fabrics? When you’ve accomplished something you’re proud of? When you’ve had time to connect to your environment? When music is playing? Think about when you’re most confidently connected to your body, and consider the elements in your environment that aided in that feeling.

What allows you to feel safe when being vulnerable?

Sex, no matter how you’re defining it, asks for you to be vulnerable in one way or another. What do you need to feel safe to be vulnerable? When do you feel safest to be vulnerable with your partner? Do these situations make you feel closer to your partner? What has prevented vulnerability/intimacy in the past? When we recognize the bravery and trust it takes to be vulnerable with a partner, we can start to see those vulnerable moments as intimacy building moments as well.

Does mental or physical stimulation feel more exciting?

For some folks, thinking about sex, talking about sex, planning for sex, etc. can feel even more exciting than actually having sex. When these things are just as exciting (or more exciting) for you than the physical connection, you can work them into your definition of sex, and be more intentional about including them in your sex life. Maybe it’s sexting with a partner, or writing down a fantasy, or buying a new sex toy. Take time to think about other elements of your sexual relationship that don’t involve touching!

Are there “non sex” activities that bring you sensual pleasure?

There are a lot of types of pleasure beyond sexual pleasure, and sensual pleasure is one of them! If you get pleasure from cooking, or dancing, or getting/giving massages, using a special bath oil, lighting a candle, etc.–could doing these things with a partner feel erotic or pleasurable to you?

Questions to reflect on together:

What is your favorite “part” of sex?

Many of us are taught that the goal of sex is to have an orgasm. But many of us also enjoy other aspects of sex just as much, if not more than actually having an orgasm. Do you know what your partner enjoys most when you have sex? It could be having an orgasm, but it could be kissing, or dirty talk, or something else completely. Knowing what you and your partner enjoy the most can help take the pressure off of having sex by removing the “goal” and making it purely about feeling good together–even if that means just making out for a bit!

What is something that makes you feel close to me?

When do you and your partner feel closest to each other? It may be during sex, but it may be other times. Exploring when you feel that closeness can provide you more information about the intimacy that exists between you, offer more chances to access that intimacy.

What is something we do together that gets you excited?

This can be as simple as flirting with each other, sexting with each other, but it can be totally unrelated to sex at all. Maybe you like to garden and your partner gets excited watching you work outside. Maybe you like to cook together and that feels exciting because you’re both so connected to your senses and each other. When are times you get excited by your partner that aren’t sexual? When are they excited by you? When do you feel excited together?

What is your favorite way that I express affection toward you?

Do you know how your partner likes to receive affection? Do you know what makes them feel seen and desired? Ask them! And tell them how you best receive affection in return.

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Jesse Kahn