Check out G&STC Director Jesse Kahn speaking with Gabrielle Kassel at GQ about How to Date with Crohn’s Disease
Check out G&STC Director Jesse Kahn speaking with Gabrielle Kassel at GQ about how folks with Crohn’s Disease can have a fulfilling dating and sex life.
The business of disclosure
“There is no universal right time,” says mental health expert and sex therapist Jesse Kahn, LCSW, a certified sex therapist and director of the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City. “Disclosure of your diagnosis is about your comfort and what feels relevant to the level of connection you’re building,” they say. Some people like to put phrases like “chronic illness stud,” “chronie,” or other references to their diagnosis directly in their online-dating bios so anyone who matches with them knows from the start. Others prefer to wait until they’ve sussed out whether there is enough chemistry or baseline compatibility to warrant divulging more about their health.
One thing that’s easy to overlook: Disclosure isn’t just about sharing intel, but gathering it too. “Someone’s response gives you real-time information about their availability and capacity for empathy, flexibility, and respect,” says Kahn. “Dating with a chronic illness often requires adapting plans, managing uncertainty, and showing care throughout changing circumstances,” they say.
A foundation of self-love
“Confidence often grows from being in spaces where your body is reflected back to you as worthy and desirable, not something to change or fix,” says Kahn. That might involve taking steps like curating your social feeds to be affirming spaces; connecting with other people with Crohn’s disease online and IRL; joining broader communities with, by, or for disabled and chronically ill people; or working with a therapist who understands body image through a nonableist lens, they say.
Becoming more self-assured also means learning to trust your body instead of fighting it, says Kahn. While Crohn’s doesn’t have to make you a hermit, pushing yourself to go on dates, stay out late, or have sex when you’re experiencing a flare or running on empty can erode your sense of safety and trust in your own body, they say. By contrast, honoring your body’s needs is a way to practice the kind of self-respect that lets you show up more authentically, comfortably, and confidently while dating.
Managing medication side effects
Adding a sex therapist to your care team can also help you navigate any emotional impacts that changes in desire may have, as well as offer advice on adapting your sexual activities to accommodate symptoms or side effects, Kahn says.
Crohn’s-friendly dates
If you’re in remission, chances are you’ll have few, if any, limitations. But if you’re experiencing a flare—or simply aren’t sure how your body will cooperate—you’ll want to make plans that leave room for flexibility, whether that’s choosing a restaurant with foods you know agree with you, ensuring you have easy restroom access, or deciding on an outing that can easily be shortened or rescheduled, says Kahn.