Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Men’s Health about what “mankeeping” is and why it’s bad for your relationship

Check out G&STC’s Director Jesse Kahn talking with Gabrielle Kassel at Men’s Health about what “mankeeping” is and why it’s bad for your relationship. 

What is mankeeping?

“Mankeeping is a relatively new term for the often-invisible emotional, relational, and logistical labor that people do to maintain their male partner's social and emotional lives, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, a queer sex therapist and director of The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City.”

“‘And yes, mankeeping tends to happen most often in heterosexual relationships, according to Kahn, ‘but similar patterns can show up in any gendered dynamic where one partner quietly manages the other's emotional and social world.’”

When things become imbalanced

“Most long-term partnerships go through seasons when one partner temporarily shoulders the heavier load, due to a health issue, grief, or significant life transition, says Kahn. That’s totally fine. This imbalance only becomes a sign of mankeeping when it stays the norm for months and even years, he says.”

Gender and cultural differences in care and emotional expression

“In Western cultures, gendered ideas about care and emotional expression shape what kinds of connections are considered acceptable for men, says Kahn: ‘Men are often socialized to see emotional closeness as feminine, which can make cultivating intimate friendships feel risky or even shameful.’”

“‘Cultural norms frequently position women and femme-presenting people as default emotional caretakers, which further reinforces the idea that relational maintenance simply isn't a man's responsibility,’ says Kahn, which normalizes the work of mankeeping across the board.”

The benefits of strong relationships

“Stronger interpersonal relationships have long been linked with better mental and physical health. ‘Largely, this is because they offer connection, mutual care, and a sense of belonging,’ says Kahn. In fact, research published in The American Journal of Psychiatry found that friendships function as a buffer against depression and isolation, which Kahn notes have been linked to higher rates of chronic illness and early mortality.”

Doing the work to reap the benefits of strong relationships

“You won't fully reap those benefits if someone else is doing the work of maintaining those friendships for you, says Kahn, because they are a byproduct of doing care, not just receiving it.

Over time, being a passive participant in your friendships and family life can quietly contribute to the loneliness many men report feeling, even while partnered, says Kahn. ‘In this way, mankeeping can contribute to the chronic isolation many men experience.’”

How mankeeping can ruin your relationship

“‘Anyone who is doing mankeeping for a partner can experience burnout and resentment because this work is often invisible, undervalued, and rarely reciprocated,’ says Kahn. When this emotional labor isn't discussed and mutually agreed upon—and it is rarely in situations where a mankeeping dynamic is at play—it can create an imbalance that, over time, can cause a chasm in the relationship, they say.

Commonly, partners become frustrated, emotionally withdrawn, and may even question the relationship itself, says Kahn. And often, this resentment from a lack of reciprocation and/or recognition, leads to increased conflict in the home.”

“Many misogynistic, heterosexist cultures teach women that pleasing their partner is their number one goal, which encourages women to mankeep in such a way that forsakes their own emotional well-being. Here, the consequences to your partner can be even more dire, leading to emotional burnout, loss of self, and low mood, says Kahn.”

How to tell if you’re being mankept

“Take a beat to take stock of the relationships in your life, suggests Kahn. Ask yourself:

• Do I rely on my partner to initiate or maintain my social calendar?

• Who remembers the birthdays, milestones, celebrations, and family obligations in my life?

• Would my social life continue if my partner stopped holding it together?

• Do I ever wish I felt closer to my network—or feel guilty for not reaching out more regularly?

• When something hard happens, who could I call? Who celebrates my wins with me?”

How to stop mankeeping

“Start by acknowledging the work your partner does that you've historically missed—buying holiday gifts, making the dish brought to the potluck, reminding you to call various relatives. ‘Showing appreciation and gratitude for the work your partner is doing is important,’ says Kahn. To be clear: That doesn't mean a one-time thanks out of obligation. Instead, consider briefly reflecting at the end of each day on the ways your partner has supported your social or emotional life—and then recognizing the impact of that out loud, they say.”

“From there, take responsibility for your own friendships and family responsibilities, says Kahn. In practice, that might mean scheduling check-in calls with your sister, picking up the host gift before a dinner party, or even planning a group golf trip.”

Read the article here.

More from G&STC director Jesse Kahn on this topic:

Mankeeping as a clinical concept

While mankeeping is not a formal clinical concept at this moment, it overlaps with research on emotional labor and gendered role expectations. Like many cultural terms, it’s best used descriptively rather than pathologizing.

Outsourcing the tasks that uphold relationships over time

When someone consistently outsources the work of maintaining friendships, connections, bonds, and family relationships, they often miss out on key benefits of relationships, including emotional intimacy, reciprocity, and a sense of being known. Those benefits can emerge through the doing of care, not just receiving it. Over time, relying on a partner to hold those connections can narrow one’s support system and increase vulnerability to isolation. In this way, mankeeping can limit relational resilience rather than protect it, and can contribute to the chronic isolation many men experience.

The health benefits of strong relationships

Friends can buffer against depression and isolation, which are linked to higher rates of chronic illness and early mortality. For queer and trans people in particular, friendships and chosen family are often central sources of safety, affirmation, and resilience when our families of origin or institutions fall short. These benefits aren’t gendered or orientation-specific—they’re human needs that all people deserve access to. Wanting and investing in friendships is not a weakness or a failure of independence, but a vital form of self-care and collective survival.

Mankeeping causing burnout and resentment for the partner doing the labor

The emotional, logistical, and relational labor of keeping a partner’s friendships, family ties, and daily life running falls on one person, creating an imbalance in the relationship. Over time, this lack of reciprocity can lead to frustration, feeling unappreciated, and even questioning the partnership itself. 

When mankeeping may be temporary

At the same time, if this lack of reciprocity discussed, agreed upon, and possibly only temporary due to factors such as depression, learning how to better connect, unlearning harmful messages about relationships or supporting your partner in re-connecting with their family, it may not have negative—or as many negative—consequences on the relationship.

The gendered differences in emotional relationships

Historically, men had close, emotionally expressive friendships with other men, and vulnerability could be shared safely within those bonds. Over time, especially in Western culture, ideals of stoicism, independence, and self-reliance narrowed what emotional expression was considered “acceptable” for men. In more recent history, men are socialized to see emotional closeness as feminine, which can make cultivating intimate friendships feel risky or shameful. 

Expectations of independence, self-sufficiency, and not “burdening” others add pressure to outsource emotional labor. Taken together, these societal forces help explain why many men rely on partners to manage friendships, family ties, and other social bonds.

How to tell if you’re unintentionally encouraging your partner to mankeep you and what to do about it

You might be experiencing mankeeping if you notice that a partner is consistently handling the emotional, logistical, or relational labor in your friendships, family ties, or social obligations—things that support your connections but aren’t explicitly theirs to manage. 

To check in with yourself, ask: 

• Am I relying on my partner to initiate or maintain my friendships? 

• Do I feel frustrated, guilty, or out of touch with my social network? 

With your partner, questions can include: 

• How do we each contribute to our own relationships? 

• Are there ways I can take more responsibility for maintaining my social connections?

If you realize you’re being man-kept, accessible steps include setting small, concrete goals for your own relational maintenance—like sending a birthday message, scheduling a catch-up, or checking in with a friend during a stressful time—and gradually building a sense of agency in your friendships. 

Naming this dynamic, expressing that you’d like it to be different, outlining how you’ll step up for your own relationships, and showing appreciation and gratitude for the invisible work your partner has been doing can strengthen both your friendships and your partnership.