Ask a Queer Therapist: Is Everyone a Little Bit Queer?
“I was having an argument with a friend the other day about whether or not everyone is a little bit queer, or if some people really are just straight. I think everyone is at least a little gay, but my friend thinks that some people are truly straight. What do you think, can people really just be straight?”
Dear More Than,
I’ll be honest, at first I didn’t want to answer this question. I’m not sure if it’s because I think the answer is too simple or too complicated, but probably both. But you know what? It’s Pride month, so I’ll take a crack at unpacking the nuances of sexuality.
My short answer is yes, some people really are just straight. Now before all of my fellow queers come at me for that answer, I’ll explain why I say that.
People talk about sexuality being a spectrum, and I don’t disagree with that. But something being a spectrum implies that there are opposite ends, and for these purposes I’ll call those ends gay and straight–gay at one end, straight at the other, queer is everything in between.* So I’ll turn the question around and ask, do you believe that some people really are “just gay?”
So that’s part of my reasoning here. If the Royal We of Queerdom are going to claim that some of us are really “just gay,” with no interest in or attraction to members of “the opposite sex,” (please forgive my binary language here, but I’m using it to illustrate a point), don’t we also have to allow room for folks at the opposite end to be “just straight?” I think so.
And this is when we start getting into the weeds, and the reason why I didn’t want to answer this question. What do we even mean by gay and straight in this context? Are we saying that some people never have interest in a sexual relationship with someone of “the opposite sex,” or that some people only have such an interest? By that definition, I 10000% believe that some people are “just” straight or “just” gay.
But, if we’re looking at this from more of a, yeah I can acknowledge that someone of the same sex is attractive and maybe I even enjoy some form of emotional or even romantic intimacy with them, then that’s a different story. By that definition, I’d say most folks fall somewhere in the queer-middle, whether or not they can admit or acknowledge it.
And…if we now want to overlay all of the nuances of gender identity and gender expression and how that complicates the question…then we’re really going to muddy the waters. For example, I know a butch-identified lesbian who somewhat (but not entirely) jokingly will sometimes say, “I’m not same-sex oriented,” when someone is trying to figure out her “type.” What she means by this is that she’s only attracted to femme-presenting (although not necessarily identifying) women. Now yes, I’ve tried to argue with her that what she really means is she’s not same gender-presentation attracted, but let’s be honest, that doesn’t sound as quippy. By the same token, my best friend is a cis straight woman and I can guarantee you, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that she might be the straightest person I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean that in a ‘I think she doth protest too much,” way. She really is just straight (it’s kind of remarkable, actually).
Now that I’ve named 101 caveats and parentheticals to your question, I’ll end with this: I do think there would be a lot of people who identify as straight but are actually queer, if we define queer in the broadest way possible. But many of these folks don’t identify as queer because they don’t feel part of the “queer community.” But there are also people who, for all intents and purposes, are straight but identify as queer because they do feel a part of the queer community (e.g. all of their friends are queer). Does it matter either way? Some folks probably feel strongly that it does. I, however, do not. One of the fundamental tenants of queerness is being free to be whomever you are, labels and boxes and categories and definitions be damned.
So are some people really just straight? Yes. Are some people really just gay? Also yes. Are a lot of people actually somewhere in between, whether or not they feel comfortable saying so? Absolutely. But how about in honor of Pride month we just let people be who they are–claim an identity if you want to, don’t if you don’t. Either way, find a path that leads you toward love & acceptance (of self and others), community & connection, and perhaps most importantly, joy.
Happy Pride!
A Queer Therapist