Ask a Queer Therapist: I Think I Rushed Into My Engagement
“My partner and I met a few months ago and almost automatically we realized we had a lot in alignment. She asked me to marry her and I said yes. Now this has never happened for me before, but with her I just knew. I have been in therapy for years and I am at a point where I am quite good at identifying and focusing on the issue more than the person whenever I get into situations. It is not the same for my partner. They are quite introspective but I find that when we have issues, they focus heavily on my part while being sort of flippant about the part they played in the issue. When they do acknowledge it, it is almost never explicit. There are many times they will catalyze a situation into conflict and when I get upset, they get in their feelings about my being upset and that is what they will focus on. I am always quick to own up to my part and tell them clearly where I am at. I am neurospicy, so I tell them clearly what I mean and I have told them several times that I do not do “reading between the lines.”
In addition to this, when we met, I made it clear that I am non-monogamous. They gave me the impression that they were okay with it. Now when it comes up (and mind you I am not even seeing anyone at the moment) they ask questions which are not clear enough for me to have answers to. Recently they said, “if you decide you want to have a family with another person I want assurance,” but they do not state what that looks like, even though I have made it clear that part of being non-monogamous is my understanding that I have to be intentional with the partner(s) I have. I feel like I am in a bind and I am finding myself wanting to talk to her and say, I think we may have rushed into this because I do not think you get me. The tricky part is, she is down to do couples therapy but she is in another country and I am at a loss for how we can do couples therapy considering 1) I have health insurance that covers me here in the US but not her and 2) the country she is in is unsafe for queer folx and by extension any kind of care we could receive. What do you think we should do?”
Dear 100 Day Fiancée,
I had already written my column for this month, but I wanted to answer your question because, well, I have a pretty strong opinion about what you should do here, and it seems like it’s a bit time-sensitive, although also maybe not at all time sensitive because you and your partner live on two different continents.
I answered a question with some similar elements to this last month, and in that column I put a note at the end, so I’m going to take the liberty of quoting myself (what hubris, right?):
It’s certainly not my place to decide how long folks should be in a relationship before they consider couples therapy, but from my experience if a couple “needs” therapy to stay together and they’ve been dating less than a year, they should probably just break up.
I’m going to stand by those words: you should break up. Or at the very least, s l o w t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p a l l t h e w a y d o w n.
Leaving aside the fact that I’m not sure what the plan is for marriage, given that you’ve only known each other for a few months and live on different continents, what's the rush? New love is intoxicating, so be intoxicated by it. Have fun with it. Enjoy everything there is to enjoy about it. But if you’re having significant doubts this early on that are making you consider couples therapy with someone who lives half-way around the world? End it.
But it sounds like you already know all of this, so trust your instincts. And I’m glad you already have a therapist to talk to about this
Warmly,
A Queer Therapist