Building Intentional Intimacy
The word intimate comes from the Latin word intimus which means "inmost, innermost, deepest." The act of being intimate with another human being is sharing our innermost and deepest desires, truths, or vulnerabilities. It is about synchronicity between people. While the thought of intimacy usually conjures an image of having sex or being physically engaged, there are many ways to build intimacy, in platonic, familial, sexual, and romantic relationships.
The four main components of intimacy are physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. You get to decide what acts build intimacy for you, in each different relationship. There is always fluidity for these to change.
What is one fear you have around intimacy?
Talking about sex, intimacy, pleasure, and desire takes vulnerability. So many people have fears or anxieties around these topics! These fears are often laced with shame, so they are kept hidden, leaving people feeling isolated and alone. Naming your fears around intimacy can help you get more clarity around what you need in order to enhance intimacy with loved ones.
Some common fears around intimacy:
“I fear that I won’t be met with the same level of love.”
“I fear dependency, of having needs instead of wants.”
“That I have too many scars built up from years of distrust.”
“I fear revealing my truest self and that not being enough. I'm afraid of my lack of experience.”
“I fear rejection, being misunderstood, and judgment.”
“I'm afraid of confronting my insecurities by saying them out loud.”
“I’m afraid that if I’m intimate and vulnerable, I’ll be seen as weak.”
Keeping these fears shrouded in shame only allows them to flourish, while naming them can make them smaller and more manageable to work through. Try writing down one fear or anxiety you have around embracing intimacy and asking a friend or partner to engage with you about their fears as well.
Setting intentions.
Intimacy and connection may unravel naturally many times but intentionality at the core of all relationships, no matter how raw and immediate the attraction, is so valuable. Without intention, intimacy becomes an impulse and a relationship becomes a habit. Intimacy is a living, breathing, moving force that exists between people. It needs to be nurtured, trimmed, roots massaged, watered, and tended to. When you let intimacy furiously grow wild at the beginning of a relationship, you lose sight quickly of why and where this connection even exists. Vulnerability is a tool we have to allow us to fuel intimacy with intention.
When you work together to create a vulnerable connection from the start, you have a foundation of trust that will aid you in moving through hard moments in the relationship with more ease and tenderness. Having vulnerability and intention at the core of your relationship doesn’t automatically mean you will never have an argument or hurt one another. It means that you acknowledge there is bound to be hurt but you know how to show up on the other end of hurt. You know how to show up and take accountability and have your actions follow those words of apology. It means you won’t run away when hurt happens — you have the tools to show up for that connection.
Phrases to communicate your needs or intentions:
Would you be willing to talk about __________?
Is now a good time to talk about ________________?
I'm noticing I'm feeling ____________ when _______ topic comes up.
Can you tell me more about __________?
I'm struggling with ___________ right now, can we check in about this together?
I'm noticing a new boundary around ___________. How would you feel if we __________________?
I'm feeling excited about exploring _________. Are you willing to talk about trying this together?
Enhancing intimacy.
Using these tools to discuss your intimacy needs and boundaries will allow you to create stronger bonds. Find clarity on what aspect of a relationship needs your attention: emotional connection, communication, sexuality, creativity, playfulness, moving through conflict, having certain needs met, respecting boundaries, or managing expectations. It could be that you feel fulfilled in one aspect of your relationship but need to work on a specific form of connection that is important to you. Everyone has different relational values, allowing this to be a conversation with loved ones is an opportunity to learn more about one another.
If you are wanting to be more intentional about how you move through conflict (i.e. arguments or disagreement), explore how you can work on this within yourself and your relationship. When you feel upset, what do you need? It's possible to create a plan for how you want to move through conflicts together. You could decide to have a safe word to pause during conflict and remind one another of your love. You could decide to take space to write out your feelings and come back together to discuss. You could change settings and go for a walk while discussing the heated topic.
You have full autonomy of how you structure the important relationships in your life. Working together with your partners and friends is key to navigating your way to the relationships you crave.
BLOG AUTHORS ALL HOLD POSITIONS AT THE GENDER & SEXUALITY THERAPY CENTER (G&STC). FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT OUR THERAPISTS AND SERVICES PLEASE CONTACT US.